Monday, December 31, 2012

A status stolen from FB but I thought it was worth sharing

With the New Year, it's almost time to empty that know the one we all carry around everyday. Chock full of fears, insecurity, anger, hate. Each New Year we are given a brand new suitcase, fresh, clean and most of all, empty. We spend the next 365 days stuffing every bad emotion, every wrong ever done to us or wrong we ever done to others. It finally gets so heavy, we can no longer lift it & are forced to drag it. This year, fill your suitcase with Joy, Faith, Love & will be light as a feather and a pleasure to carry around..and see how high you can fly ...what are you going to fill yours with? ♥ ♥

Just as aside

this article is amazing if you are thinking of becoming a vegetarian.

Almost 2013

I can't sleep for the urge to write.  So here I am.  Laid in bed for an hour thinking about the difference between resolutions and goals.  Because I won't be making any resolutions this year.  What I will be doing is reaching for several goals that I am going to set for myself for 2013.  Some are financial, some are physical and some are just spiritual.  Those last ones are still mostly unknown yet.

So here is a definition for "resolutions":

a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
"Goals" :
 the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.
So I am not just "resolved" to reach my goals...I WILL REACH MY GOALS!
People make resolutions all over the place on the 31st, but not many make it past the 1st of January.  
My goals are concrete and are not vague.  They are measurable and have ends!
They include, in no particular order:
  • run a 1/2 Marathon in August 
  • reach my goal weight of 160 pounds (by the time I run the 1/2 in August)
  • save enough money for a tummy tuck
  • replace my husband's income with my 2nd line of income, so he can quit his office job
  • be well on the way to my own retirement from cubicle land (I don't even have one of those!)
  • empty out my storage locker
  • get out of debt (as much as possible)
Wow...that's lots of goals...none of them are "immediate".  Mostly long term goals with a fewer shorter term goals in amongst them. 
I have others of course, like eat healthier, get rid of gluten again, and as much dairy as I can, out of my diet.  I just don't think I can do without cheese...or eggs.  The rest can be gone. 
I don't eat beef (ok very very rarely) and I also rarely drink milk, usually chocolate if at all.  I always pay for it later.  Eggs are a staple for me.  Not totally sure if I am intolerant to those too.  I just assume I am.  Hmm...should dig out the papers on that allergy testing I had done and remind myself what it says.
No pork for this girl either.  I eat chicken and moose.  Someday I am sure I will be vegetarian...maybe even vegan, but I just haven't quite figured out how to do it yet, in a house of carnivores.

to be continued

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Happy 12 12 12!

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only the northern portion of the United States.

As part of the new and better contra

ct I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back Off!”

7. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

" A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Friday, December 7, 2012

I need to vent

and since I cant do it on FB without the whole world reading it, I will blog it..:)

How can someone I've known for over 5 years, who I've supported thru every crazy decision you've made, who's dog I walked when you were sick, who's puke I cleaned up when you couldn't handle it, who asked me to deliver pain killers and doobies to when you were too sick to get out of bed, who I listened to many times when you were having trouble with your relationships, who was my Maid of Honour at my wedding, who's wedding I preformed, who welcomed me into your home many times, who I pulled into MY circle of friends because you were my friend, just throw our "friendship" that all away for "perceived" wrongs? The ones you made up in your head?  How could you possibly know I was pissed off at you since you never asked me, not even once?  Gee, I guess the friendship was one sided that whole time because I sure thought we were friends.  At least I cared about you. And no, not knowing my phone number, in this age of technology, is not a reason to say we weren't friends.   I sent an email to you with my heart on my sleeve weeks ago and you can’t even bother to reply.  Ya, I guess we were just client and trainer after all and I just had the wool pulled over my eyes the whole time. It must have just about the money then, because when I stopped training, you didn't even bother to contact me at all.  I must have been paying for your time all along. I guess if your friends don't chase you down, then they are beneath you.

I’m just glad your true self has shown herself.  I knew it was just a matter of time before I fell from your good graces…seems like everyone does eventually.  At least I won’t waste the next 5 years with someone who doesn’t care about me anyway.

Friday Funny

A Mainlander, a Nova Scotian, and an Newfie are seated side-by-side at a bar. Each has a mug of beer in front of him.

Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug.

The Mainlander looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one.

The Nova Scotian reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer.

The Newfie reaches into the beer, picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells, “Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!”

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Saturday Funny

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.